


Atonement

by TexMexTwins



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Anger, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Kinda, Probably ooc, Swearing, Yelling, first fic woo, lucretia apologizes a lot: a novelization, merle is a peacekeeper as always, taako and lucretia have A Talk, taako is really mad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-12-04 21:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11564094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TexMexTwins/pseuds/TexMexTwins
Summary: After defeating the Hunger, the Bureau of Balance must rebuild themselves, both physically and emotionally. Tensions run high and exhaustion runs rampant, but this is no time for rest. There's still work to be done.Taako and Lucretia have a long overdue talk about why she did the things she did. Merle keeps the peace. Taako gets mad. Lucretia atones.





	Atonement

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all, this is my first TAZ fanfic! I'm loving the finale so far, and especially all the depth of character that Taako is receiving, so here's a thing I put together in a few days of a scene I had in my head and really liked. I didn't do much in terms of proofreading, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes/ooc moments. I hope you all like it!

“You fucking took everything from me!”

“I have nothing, and I don’t give a shit.”

“The world is ending and I. Don’t Care.”

-

Lucretia sighs heavily, rubbing her eyes with her fists and blinking rapidly. Fatigue clings to her like cobwebs, weighing down her limbs and eyelids and making her wish she was some place where she could take a long, quiet, undisturbed nap. She couldn’t sleep yet, though; there was work to be done, decisions to be made. She walked briskly down the halls, her arms crossed defensively and her head lowered, averting the gazes of other Bureau members as they cleared rubble off the walkways and into the grass.

Taako’s words still haunted her thoughts, even after several hours or endless fighting. It was over now. The battle was won, the Hunger was gone, her family was back together, and yet Lucretia felt hardly any joy at all. All she felt was pain and regret. Her plan had been faulty, she knew this now, and the guilt she felt over nearly dooming this plane and her entire family was almost too much to bear. The guilt wasn’t even the worst of it, either. Seeing the faces of Magnus, of Davenport, of Taako, as she looked at her with such betrayal and anguish on their faces, weighed on her heart like a wrecking ball.

“You look like shit, ‘Cretia.”

Lucretia lifted her head slightly, her grip on her arms tightening slightly when she saw Merle approaching her. He, like everyone else on the base, was covered from head to toe with bruises and scrapes, though his more serious wounds had been taken care of once his divine source was returned. She sighed, dusting off her robes nervously. “We all do,” she replied softly. She paused for a moment, taking in Merle’s stony expression. “Merle, I-”

“If you’re gonna apologize, save your breath,” he interrupted, holding out a hand to stop her. “You’ve apologized to me a hundred times already, and I’m gettin’ kinda sick of hearing you say the word ‘sorry’.”

Lucretia cracks a small, weary smile, though there’s very little amusement in it. “Yes, well, I don’t think I can make up for what I tried to do in words, anyway,” she murmurs, glancing away. “I understand if you can’t forgive me for it. I almost destroyed this world, and everyone on it.”

Merle is silent for a moment, turning and watching some of the Bureau employees as they worked. “Well, I’ve never been very good at holding grudges,” he says at last, and his tone is so casual that Lucretia’s eyebrows quirk up in surprise. “Look, Lucretia, you did some pretty bad stuff, erasing our memories, discrediting our opinions, ignoring us when we told you your plan wasn’t going to work out the way you hoped it would. And, if this was a normal circumstance, I might never be able to forgive you,” he continues, and Lucretia’s heart clenches, “but this situation we’re in is anything but normal.” He chuckles to himself, stroking his beard idly. Then he turns to look at her, and reaches up a hand to give her a light pat on the back. “We lived together for a hundred years, Lucretia. We’re all family now, and family forgives each other no matter what shitty stuff they might have done. Bonds like the ones we seven share aren’t broken so easily.”

Lucretia holds Merle’s gaze for a moment before breaking away, swallowing thickly. “Thats a nice sentiment, Merle, but I don’t think Taako will ever forgive me for what I did to him,” she says. “Even if Lup is back, that doesn’t change the fact that for more than a decade he was all alone. I stole his past, his sister, his only family from him, and that is simply unforgivable, no matter what my intentions were.”

“Well, the only way to know for sure is if you talk to him about it,” Merle responds, as though the solution was as easy as that. “Sit him down, tell him what you’re telling me. No excuses, not pity-playing, no rationalizing. I know Taako would appreciate a little humility from you, just this once.” He pauses, allowing his message to process before adding, “Well, break time’s over for me. I’m gonna get back to helping the clean-up crew clear up the walkways. Good luck, ‘Cretia.”

Lucretia watches Merle walk away for a few seconds, playing over her options in her head. She could continue to avoid Taako and deal with the guilt until it eventually crushed her, or she could take control of her mistakes and confront him. Both options seem equally painful to her, so with low expectations she decides to rip off the proverbial band-aid and clear things up with Taako right away.

It takes a bit of searching, but she finally finds Taako in his suite, sitting on the couch with Lup. Magnus is nowhere to be seen, but the twins talk in quiet voices that Lucretia implies to mean he is asleep in his room. She couldn’t fault him for it if she tried; everyone was tired from the fight they had just endured, especially the ones who had just recalled one hundred years’ worth of stolen memories. Taako and Lup sit close together, Lup’s spectral lich form glowing an eerie red in the iridescent light of the common room.

For a moment, Lucretia considers just fleeing back towards the elevator that led to this suite, but before she can, Taako notices her, lifting his head from where he had been leaning in close with Lup. Immediately, his expression hardens, barring her from seeing any of his emotions. “Lucretia,” he says, looking vaguely accusatory. He retains his aloof personality, draping his arms over the back of the couch and crossing his legs. “What brings you down to casa del Taako?”

Although his tone portrays a somewhat friendly approach, Lucretia can practically feel him trying to bore into her head with his eyes. He was scrutinizing her actions, searching for weaknesses, the way he did to all of his enemies. The thought makes Lucretia sick to her stomach. “I, uh, I was hoping that we could… talk,” she stutters. She winces immediately, cursing how vulnerable she sounded.

“I’m going to go find Angus,” Lup announces, lifting herself from the couch. “I promised him I would teach him how to perfect his macaron recipe. Can’t let the little guy down.”

Taako doesn’t respond, watching Lup leave up the elevator before finally turning to address Lucretia. “Look, Lucretia, I’m not really in the mood to talk right now,” he says, and Lucretia notices for the first time since arriving just how tired he looks. Dark circles are blooming under his normally impeccable face, unobscured by his usual heavy layer of makeup. His entire body looks as though it’s being weighed down by an invisible weight, his slight form sinking into the couch as if he were trying to envelope himself inside of it.

Taako must notice her staring, because he narrows his eyes and quirks an eyebrow at her, crossing his arms over his chest. Lucretia clears her throat awkwardly, moving to sit in a chair across from Taako. “I know you’re not, but I really just wanted to… clear some things up,” she explains, picking her words carefully. “The way things turned out, when we were fighting the Hunger, well, they didn’t turn out how any of us expected.” She’s rambling, now, eyes glued to her hands. Taako remains silent. “No matter how this situation turns out, for better or worse, it doesn’t change the fact that I was the one who caused it to happen the way it did. I made you all forget important, valuable things, I kept you in the dark, and no matter how much I believed that I was right, I shouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, sure. You’ve only said that a thousand fucking times,” Taako snaps, and now he just looks angry. Lucretia winces. “Do you even realize what you did, Lucretia? Do you even understand the extent to which you royally fucked us all over? ‘Cause it really doesn’t seem like you do!”

Lucretia stares at him, eyes wide in shock. In the hundred plus years that she’s known Taako, Lucretia has only seen him this angry a handful of times. The frequency is so small, in fact, that given enough time, she is sure she could list off the individual instances and counted them all on her fingers alone. She’s never been on the receiving end of Taako’s wrath, however, and it terrifies her.

“You took away one hundred years of our memories from us, Lucretia.” Taako doesn’t pause to give her time to respond. “A hundred fucking years! Shit, Lucretia, you made us forget about each other, about the Hunger, about the relics!” As he speaks, Taako ticks off his accusations on his fingers, barely even stopping to take a breath. “You erased Lup! For over a decade, she was all by herself and no one but Barry remembered her. I spent nearly thirteen years of my life doing useless shit on that stupid cooking show when I should have been out looking for her.” Taako pauses, taking deep breaths and fisting his hands in his hair. His shoulders are trembling, and though Lucretia can’t see his face, she can tell he’s on the verge of tears. She doesn’t bother trying to comfort him. He takes a few seconds to collect himself before continuing. “You know, he begged me to kill him,” he murmurs. “Do you know how that feels, Lucretia? He grabbed me by both shoulders and begged me to kill him so that he wouldn’t forget her, and I did it. So tell me, how the fuck did you come to the conclusion that editing our memories and separating us was somehow going to save the world?”

Lucretia swallows down the lump in her throat. “I believed that it was the only way I would be able to do what I thought was right,” she replies. “I knew what I needed to do, but I also knew that if I tried to do it, you all would stop me. None of us could bear what we’d done to this world; we were all slowly dying inside, turning on each other, becoming angry and bitter… I wanted to fix it.”

Taako slaps a hand down on the small coffee table situated between the two of them, making Lucretia jump. “Fix it? By yourself? That’s a shitty excuse,” he snarls. “Who gave you the right to make our choices for us? You could have at least tried to fucking talk to us before you tore us all apart. And you know what, that wasn’t even the worst part!” Taako laughs a little, even as angry tears are forming in his eyes. “You made us do the dirty work for you! Just having us out of your hair wasn’t enough, so you ripped us out of the lives you fabricated for us so that we could help you in your quest to destroy this world, and we fell for it! You manipulated us so thoroughly that we were practically eating out of your open palm, and we were none the wiser. Fuck, I was so stupid to ever trust you, Madam Director. I wish I’d never applied for the IPRE’s mission.”

Lucretia feels as though her heart has physically shattered. She had expected yelling, accusations, even a little violence, but hearing all of it laid out in front of her like this is more than she can bear. She covers her mouth with one hand, the other tightly fisted in the material of her blue and white Bureau robes, and doesn’t even attempt to stop the tears from flowing once they’d started. Her shoulders shake, shame and guilt coursing through her. “I-I’m so sorry,” she sobs.

Taako flinches, and suddenly he feels the guilt, too. He runs his fingers through his hair. “Fuck. Shit. Fuck, I didn’t anticipate this. Dammit, that was harsher than I thought it was gonna be…” He lets out a long, deep breath, and gives Lucretia a moment to collect himself, subtly nudging a tray of napkins closer to her.

If Lucretia notices, she doesn’t comment on it, gratefully plucking a napkin from the tray and wiping her eyes with it. She looks miserable, her face pink and her eyes puffy, her lip still quivering slightly as she steadies herself. “I never meant for it to go this far,” she whispers. “It was only supposed to take a few months, at most. I didn’t want to lose you all, and I certainly wasn’t trying to get rid of you. The six of you are my family, the only family I had for one hundred years. I loved you all more than I’ve ever loved anyone.” She pauses, sniffling and rubbing her nose with the napkin. “That was why I did what I did. Seeing you all suffer because of what we did broke my heart. I was in over my head, I know that now, and I’m so, so sorry. If I Had known then what I know now, I would never have gone through with it. The completion of my barrier would have meant the extinction of all life on this plane, including the seven of us. I almost did something terrible, and I would have gone through with it if you all hadn’t stopped me.” Taking a deep breath, she lifts her head and sits up straight for the first time since entering the suite, and says, “I’m going to do everything in my power to make it up to you. I have… a lot to atone for, I know, and now that the Hunger is gone forever, I can finally take the time to make things right. I know that it’s going to hard, maybe even impossible, to earn your trust again. I wouldn’t be surprised if you never trusted me again after what I did. But if you’ll let me, I’m going to try. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

Taako sighs, crossing his arms and leaning back into the plush cushions of the couch. He looks tired after all the yelling, more so than he did before, but he also looks more relaxed, less jumpy, more comfortable, and Lucretia is thankful for that. “I want to forgive you,” he says after a moment of silence, and he sounds so sincere that it makes Lucretia want to break down and cry all over again, “I really do, but it’s not… not that simple.” He sighs, leaning his elbow on his knee and cradling his head, letting his eyes drift shut for a moment. When he opens them again and turns his gaze to meet hers, the anger she’s seen from him since the moment he regained his memories is gone, replaced with a deep earnestness not often seen in them. “I… you’re my family, Lucretia. The seven of us have been through shit no one else has ever or will ever go through, and that’s a bond that can never be broken. We’re family, and that’s never going to change. So, I want to forgive you, I do, but it’s going to take time. A lot of time, probably. I don’t fucking know, Lucretia, all of this is still so fresh and painful… I’m gonna need some time to sort through my messed-up brain and figure out… I guess figure out who I am. I’m not the same guy who climbed on a magical friend boat and I’m not the same guy I was when I first showed up on the moon base. I want to learn to cook again, I want to teach Angus how to cast a real fireball, I want to reconnect with my sister, and I want to process all of this slowly and cautiously, ‘cause that’s what I do best. You want to help me? Give me some space for a couple of weeks. Leave me alone, let me think things over and put some of the pieces back together, and when I’m ready to be acquaintances again, I’ll hit you up, ‘kay?”

Lucretia doesn’t want to say anything to ruin this delicate compromise, so she just nods and smiles, drying her tears once again and pushing herself to her feet. “Thank you for giving me a chance,” she says instead, allowing him to lead her back to the elevator at the back of the suite. She reaches out to push the button to summon the elevator, then hesitates for a moment. She turns to face Taako again, who looks perplexed, and, feeling a stroke of bravery, takes a step forward and gives him a hug. “I missed you, all of you,” she whispers.

Taako flinches at her touch, but decides against pushing her away, opting instead to give her a few awkward pats on the back. Hugging was never his forte. “Yeah, okay, missed you too and all that. Now get out of my house, I need a 12-hour power nap before I can do anything productive or I’ll certainly die.”

Lucretia chuckles and obliges, backing up and pressing the button. Taako waves her goodbye as she climbs into the elevator and leaves the suite, and she rests her head against the elevator wall. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but at least Taako doesn’t seem to despise her anymore. It’s a start, she muses as the elevator doors open to the quad outside, and she takes a moment to straighten her back and square her shoulders before leaving. There was still work to be done, after all, and she was still the Director, despite how much she wished she could also take a 12-hour nap. And perhaps, she thinks to herself as she observes the members of her organization, faithfully standing by her despite the revelations made that day, perhaps being the Director wasn’t so bad after all.


End file.
